Willing Or Not

I don't wish to write you poems, and in verses lose my peace And to listen to each love song, feeling sadness and unease But I am conquered, dazed and humbled, fallen low and half undone Searching for my own reflection in your eyes that catch the sun There's no reason for this madness, none that I could justify Perhaps you were sent to teach me how to tame my stubborn pride You are punishment and mercy, you are ruin dressed in light You're a dream and you're a haunting, you're the shame that comes at night You are a dove I touch so gently, tracing feathers soft and white But a bird was born for flying - destined always for the sky In your thoughts you are far away; or perhaps don't think at all While my head rests on your shoulder, bearing questions' heavy toll Feeling guilty, bitter, foolish, trying to keep my damn control I am in panic and in terror, scared to wound your mind or soul But if honest: given my will - there is no harm that would be done Yet I treat you like a glass vase, and myself - like I am a gun I know well: unreturned feelings are but destined for the end So be it. This way I'll keep you safe and sound from me, dear friend Little trickster, sweetest creature - Freedom is your given name, All the weight of what I am feeling is my prison, not your chain I will let you have what you need before taking your far flight Just forget my warm attention, and leave everything behind I will try to cure my fever, erase all that brings me rue To desire you is an ocean dreaming it had wings like you I won't drown you in affection, in devotion pure and deep For above my wish to hold you stands your joy and smile to keep