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And again... again this gaze squeezes my heart, makes my soul rot, you are killing me, my psyche, don’t you see?.. I tried my best, I always wanted happiness, but you only noticed flaws. A step to the left, a step to the right – execution, let me rest, let me restore my heart torn to shreds, but you only draw closer and push away again... tight hugs – a grand quarrel, grievances, prohibitions. Hands are shaking, a jump at the sound of the door opening. I return to the past, I don’t want this..... All I ever wanted – was only to avoid mistakes and echoes of the past, but you don’t let me, you mock, you laugh, you make me look like a fool, you make me feel pathetic. HELP ME, LISTEN TO ME...... let me be heard, don’t worry, don’t hurt, no, no.. no...... no.... I can forget everything, I can recover alone, I don’t need anyone in this regard, I don’t need help, just leave me, don’t open old wounds. I DON’T WANT THOSE WHOM I LOVE TO BECOME STRANGERS TO ME IN A MOMENT, I don’t want to feel cold, help me, I can’t cope with the voices: You are pathetic, see how they look at you, that look immediately makes you understand their attitude towards you, you are in the way, shut up, sheep, goat, fool, you will achieve nothing. My darling, you are my ray of light, "responsibility", only you understand me, don’t leave, don’t act like a fool, you are smart, beautiful. ENOUGH I don’t believe you, these swings... leave your emotional swings, I am broken, the heart is shattering, though the soul should have gotten used to it, why are you intruding, why are you making me fall in love. again I want to believe. no it’s a mistake!. Loneliness. Everything that concerns me, once found out, leaves... No one will like the real you, because even to those close to you you lie. No, it’s a lie for the sake of good! I’m saving them from my madness, I’m so desperately lonely.... I’m better off without others. I’ll cope alone.. I... just don’t understand how to be happy, how to find peace, while your hands and legs are trembling madly, and your eyes again and again fill with bitter tears. Don’t cry this is not the first time.. THAT’S EXACTLY WHY DO YOU DO THIS, DON’T YOU SEE? I FEEL BAD. I LOVE you, BUT I FEEL BAD. ...... and then is it worth to love..? Loneliness. I’ll cope myself. Responsibility. I want to scream but the lump in my throat won’t let me. DON’T CRY. not allowed. Why does such a ban exist? Am I really that easy to train...? I DON’T WANT THIS. Let me drown in my grief in tears. But you pull me out again and again, give me empty hope and immediately push me into the abyss. Ambiguity. I want peace........ Why are all these difficulties predestined for me. I’m stressruined. NO. LOOK WHAT’S BECOME OF ME. sleep – fuck you. Deep, but expressive dark circles under the eyes, a difficult past and good advice. Why should I be good and kind, if EVERYONE does the opposite, trying to change you.. Why resist?... Why am I like this... I can’t allow myself this.. My exhausted shining, long-haired, white, little girl in a nightgown will die.. Because I already protect her so poorly... Forgive me .. You are all in cuts, bruises, scratches. you are almost broken, but you are holding on, I don’t believe... How could you? But what’s more interesting, how will you heal? Alone – no? With others also no? Swinging between two no and no, there appears the option maybe... My feelings are locked with a thousand locks, no one without my will can open them. ENFP – the most unhappy people, but at the same time the happiest in the eyes of others. Day. Smile. Night. Tears. Silent scream. Swollen face. Terrible mood. Look you look simply disgusting. And who will love you like that? And how do your close ones tolerate you? You are horrible, you must be better. And tired. Yes must. Yes must. And again the heart is pounding, but not from love, from fear.